1. “Vade Retro Satanas!” That's the phrase I said the first time I saw a container ship that tickled my bump.
At first, I had no idea what this thing was.

And the only response I got was a severed fin and an old horn sound.
Like the sound of an old dark fart.
Ah, that cooled me down very quickly.

It was my first contact with human civilization.

2. My second big contact with you was when Janine died.
Janine was my wife.
One morning, she came to see me and said: “Bertrand, my liver and heart hurt.”
So I, like an idiot, thinking that it was nothing and that it would pass, I said to her to relax her: "I told you to curb your consumption of herrings. These animals are vicious. You have to concentrate on sardines and capelin.
As for the heart, my big candy cane, you know I'll always be there!"
She died 3 weeks later.
So I asked our shaman why Janine died.
He will examine it.
He inserts his fin into Janine's ass and comes out with 2 or 3 plastic crates.
Then a four-wheeled plastic children's bike.
Then dozens of plastic bags from supermarkets.
Well, I stopped it at one point.
It was uncomfortable: it felt a bit like a necrophilia.

So I ask him for the diagnosis, finally, the results of his autopsy.
" - Liver cancer." - he tells me.
" - Ah, shit... wasn't the herring the cause?

... and I can get away with it if I catch it, I mean: how did she catch that damn thing?" - I ask him.
He told me: "A priori, it's plastic. But I have to carry out additional tests to confirm it." - he answered me while redirecting his fin towards my late wife's ass.
I intervene at this point, obviously.
She is no longer in this world but a little respect nonetheless. She remains my wife.

3. We mainly hunt schools of small fish.

What ? Our hunting technique?
Well, we fart.
Yes yes.
We release streams of bubbles through our vents.

Bubbles that can still reach 30 meters.
We're not talking about your gastroenteritis farts.
This forms a visual barrier that confines the bench to a smaller space.
And there, we just have to open our mouths wide and we swallow everything.
That's it, usually there are a dozen of us who fart to hunt properly.

Who am I ?


*February 16, 2024

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